I was the first one out of my tribe to get married so for a while, I didn’t have a married friend that I could confide in until I met my sister friend, Ciara.

Ciara was a co-worker turned friend who has been married longer than me and we have seen each other through some beautiful and difficult times even now as we live in different states. She is the perfect holder of all my married rantings for a few reasons:

Her opinion of my husband doesn’t change.

Venting about your husband is different than venting about your boyfriend. This is your partner for life. You can’t vent your frustrations to people whose views of him may change long after your frustrations are gone. It’s not about being fake. It’s about protecting your marriage and your partner even when you’re annoyed with them.

If you are in a relationship (marriage or otherwise) where you have to keep unsafe secrets from people you love you are in a very scary place and I encourage you to leave.

Her advice is sound because she lives it.

I take advice from married women I trust because their advice is applicable to my life.

It’s my job to coach English teachers. I can give them advice, because I know how to teach English. I can’t give advice to a math teacher because I don’t have experience teaching math. It doesn’t make my knowledge less valuable, just less applicable in certain situations.

Same with getting advice from single friends.

Her words build up my relationship, not tear it down.

Ciara has my marriage–not just my feelings–at heart. She gives me advice that builds my marriage, not tears it down. There will be really well meaning people in your life who give you advice based on your best interest but to the detriment of your marriage. Be careful.

 

And when we are deep in conversations about the highs and lows of life with our beautiful, frustrating, loving husbands we often end or start with “NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ________!

These conversations sparked this blog post which is part one of a three part blog series (there was just too much to drop in one post but it was all too good to get rid of anything!)

These are my experiences. I’m not telling you how to build your marriage (either the one you’re in or the one you’re working towards with someone).

I am telling you that as you think about flowers and invites and wedding dresses also think about navigating your past, competing priorities, and dealing with your in-laws.

Part 1: Navigating Your Past

Girl.

I wish I could just tell you every old relationship, emotion, and memory just disappears the moment the officiant says “You may now kiss your bride.”

It doesn’t.

While dating Shamar, everyone from my past left me alone for the most part…but baybeh, when I got married?

People I hadn’t talk to in ages tried to creep back in.

And sometimes it was my fault.

It was my fault because in the beginning of my marriage, it completely flew over my head that people from my past–some of whom have been in my life for twice or three times as long as Shamar has been, would have to readjust the way they interacted with me because single Nik and married Nik had different priorities.

If you’re not careful, the way you used to engage with people, the jokes that may have been funny, and the memories that you used to reminisce on will kill the very thing you are working to build with your spouse. I’ve had to stop talking to a few people from my past or redefine the boundaries of what was okay and what was not since being married.

If you know Shamar in real life, you know he is the most laid back non-jealous human in the world. He lives his life on about a 2.5 on the emotional scale. I don’t think he has it in him to elevate his emotions high enough to get jealous.

But it’s not about that.

It’s about the worth you set for your spouse and your marriage. I can’t let my ex talk to me the way he used to before I became a wife because I am inadvertently sending a message that it’s okay to disrespect my husband.

And we ain’t having that.

You won’t catch me out here making Shamar look crazy because he’s my husband and he’s my friend. 

What used to be okay isn’t.

No buts.

For those of you sitting here still thinking about the “but” I’m going to say to you what my therapist said to me last week.

It doesn’t matter how nice the neighborhood is that you live in, you lock your doors at night. Some people don’t lock their doors and then are genuinely surprised when someone walks in and robs them.

Guess what?

It doesn’t matter how strong your marriage is, there are precautions you need to take to make sure it stays that way. One of those precautions are the boundaries you establish for the people you let in.

Baggage from the past also just doesn’t relate to romantic relationships.

For better or worse, what you’ve learned about marriage from your parents and the relationships that have surrounded you will impact the way you walk into your marriage.

Anyone who knows my dad knows that the quieter he is, the more worried you should be.

That’s me.
And I realize now how detrimental that can be for my marriage, so it’s an area I’m working on.

MARRIAGE DOESN’T WORK IF YOU DON’T TALK.
(That’s really for me more than it is for y’all #selfreminders)

Are you someone who has always had really strong woman role models?
Women who didn’t have the support of their partners and still made it work?

I know those beautiful women have helped make your hustle strong and your vision is clear, and they might have also inadvertently shown you that your marriage doesn’t have to be a partnership in which you consult your spouse.

But it does.

You won’t ever hear me say make yourself smaller for a man, never.
And if you’re serious about making your marriage work, you will have to make yourself a team player for a shared vision.

Part of being a team player means evaluating whether the parts of your past that you’re still holding onto will serve your marriage or hurt it.

 

There’s magic in our musings (and our marriages),
Nicole