The other day I was sitting with one of my favorite co-workers. We work really well together and she’s one of those people who you can have three different conversations with at one time. Somehow we were talking both about how to teach kids this upcoming skill and how our marriages were going.

The conversation sounded a bit like this:

Me: So what do you think the biggest misconceptions will be in this section of text? And how is married life?

Her: I think the text complexity is going to be tough. This is the hardest book they’ve read. Married life is good, but I think I sometimes miss the old days where we were dating and I still had to guess about how he felt. It was nerve-racking then, but now I kind of miss it.

Me: Girl. Me. Too. What are the most important sections of this chapter that they should understand?

This snippet of conversation made me think of a couple of months ago when I decided to travel to the West Coast solo (you should absolutely take a solo trip once in your life–even though it’s so good, you’ll probably do it more than once).

The reason for the solo trip wasn’t some beautiful instagrammable weekend–though it kind of turned out that way–it was because I was really struggling with the transition my co-worker was talking about in my own marriage.

What I haven’t addressed is the conversation I had with my therapist about the subject. The difference between the kind of love I miss vs. the kind of love I have now: romantic love vs. committed love.

So today, we’re diving into it.

What’s the difference?

Romantic love is that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over the fence, World Series kind of stuff. (If it sounds familiar, it’s from a 90’s movie called It Takes Two–before MaryKate and Ashley Olsen owned a fashion empire and got kind of weird). It’s that butterflies when you get a text or phone call from him type of love.

Committed love is that tried and true time tested kind of stuff. It’s that we’ve been through some things and I can trust you to hold me down type of love. You may not get butterflies every time you see a text message or get a phone call…but you know he is the first person you can call when something goes wrong or right and he’ll be there.

The impact of one without the other.

A season without romantic love can make you feel like your marriage is in trouble. Like somehow the guy who worked so hard to get you doesn’t seem to need to work as hard to keep you. It can start to make you question whether or not your spouse desires you the way he used to.

Bruh, you was over here writing poetry when I was your girlfriend and now I’m a whole wife and suddenly I can’t even get a text message…unless it’s a reminder to bring home toilet paper.

It can also make you feel like you have a dope roommate. You’ll have great conversations, laugh at corny inside jokes, and be mad if they decide to watch an episode of your favorite TV series without you. And even with all that friendship, you’ll start to wonder if you’re meant to stay together in this loving, but romantically depleted relationship for the rest of your life.

Life without committed love will have you consistently questioning whether or not you can truly rely on the person you’re thinking about 24/7. You’ll know that you can trust them for cute texts messages and bomb sex…but you have to second guess whether or not you could put them down as an emergency contact.

Leave your mom on that line, girl.
At least you know she’s trustworthy.

Romantic love will make you feel like you’re in high school again and you’ve put your dating anniversary in your AOL instant messenger profile. It will have you counting anniversaries by the month and playing Mariah Carey’s We Belong Together or Beyonce’s Dangerously In Love when times get rough.

Or maybe that was just me Freshman year of high school.
No-judgement zone, sis.
No-judgement zone.

Without romantic love you can’t get to committed love.
Without committed love, romantic love just seems like a lot of beautiful but empty gestures.

What happens when you need a little more of one?

Well let me tell you what not to do from experience.

Don’t go to your husband and tell him that he doesn’t love you anymore.

Shut up.
I was in a fragile place.

I’m out here making mistakes for all of us, sis. So you don’t have to.

Do communicate your feelings and then get to work on yourself.

I know you’re over there looking at me with the, “Sis….I thought we were both lifetime members of the “Husband, Get Yo Life Coalition.”

Girl. I’m out here rooting for you marriage–not for your pride, so I gotta be honest.

Chances are, if there are things your husband doesn’t do anymore that he did when you were dating, there are also things that you aren’t doing either.

You know you wouldn’t have been caught dead in that ugly bathrobe at the beginning of your relationship and you wouldn’t roll up on him with one side of your curls all smooshed down after laying on the couch.

But you do now.

Can’t even like…Shamar can catch a lopsided smooshy fro in a minute.

It’s on you.

The reality is we can’t make our spouses do anything.
But we can show them the kind of love we are looking for.

Remember when you were living in the exclusively romantic love phase and would do all kinds of cute stuff just because?

Some of my favorite romantic gestures have included a custom made book of reasons why I choose to love him and a balloon for each year he’d been alive with a note attached telling him why he’s special.

Go ‘head girl. Take those ideas, I won’t tell.

If I’m honest, I haven’t done something like that in a while.

So here’s my advice: lead by example.

Listen to him talk about his work frustrations and remind him that you’re always going to be there. Reach into the back of your closet and pull out the dress that got you your man in the first place and go have a romantic evening.

There is nothing more special than two people who have both friendship and passion. So keep both alive in your marriage.

There’s magic in our musings (and in type of love you need),
Nicole