The original title for this post title was: How to Avoid Sobbing into Your Salsa at a Mexican Restaurant.

Nope, I’m not making that up.
My beautiful co-workers can attest to that, one even gave me the idea for the title.

A couple weeks ago, I was sobbing into my salsa while waiting for my tacos at a local Mexican restaurant.

I too wish I made that up.

My waiter wouldn’t even come near the table for fear that him doing his job would weaken my already fragile emotional state.

And the women at the table behind me were eyeing my husband like they were ready to throw their margaritas in his face on my behalf…even though he did nothing wrong.

Poor guy. He could literally do nothing as he munched on his own chips and tear-free salsa because sometimes, you just need someone to listen and munch.

I know, y’all. It was rough.
And before we can even talk about lessons learned (read still learning right now because this was only two weeks ago) we gotta talk about how I got here.

And this time, I’m not even coming to you from my couch.
That’s right.

I had to go sit on my therapist’s couch.

I don’t even know if my couch can handle all my mess–but her couch surely can.

Praise God for that.

The Backstory

If you don’t know, I recently decided to leave my job. I had received confirmation that this was the right thing to do through a series of conversations, prayers, and a scripture that kept reappearing.

With every choice I made, I felt more and more confident in my decision to go.

And then, I got invited in for an interview for The Job.
You know The Job.

The job that comes from the company who’s mission statement you fundamentally believe all parts of.

Their work makes you excited.

Their PTO policy makes you shout, “Hallelujah! Glory!”

It was the job. And it was a relationship I had been cultivating since September. February had come around and with it, an opportunity to go interview for The Job.

After the interview, I left even more excited about the opportunity to work there.

Until I got the email.

You know the email.
The one that starts with the company thanking you for your time instead of congratulating you on getting the job.

I actively tried to avoid the funk I found myself slipping into:

I went out for a hike.
Headed to church.
Visited friends out of town.
Spoke at a conference.
Bought things I didn’t need–but wanted.

Ya girl did it all and I still felt myself slipping into this dark place of inadequacy and rejection.

It was then I decided I needed to pay my therapist a visit.

Knowing v. Believing

As I started talking to her, I found myself repeating the phrase, “I know all the things we as believers are supposed to know.”

1. God won’t play me.
2. He will provide.
3. He has a plan and purpose for my life.
4. All things are working for my good.
5. What’s meant for me won’t pass me by.

But what I quickly realized is that I didn’t believe any of it.

My therapist listened and asked a few questions about how I had previously operated when looking for work. What we came to understand was that I’ve always easily gotten opportunities because I’ve stayed in the flow of what God had planned for me.

I consulted Him each and every step of the way and as a result, I was always properly positioned for whatever came next. Even at the organization I’m currently at, I never actually applied for my job.

My resume ended up on the desk of my former principal. I got a phone call, sent a video, and got offered a job. I had always done good work and kept God at the center of my life and plans.

…until now.

If I’m real, after receiving confirmation that I was moving in the right direction by leaving work–I’ve only called on Jesus right before a job interview.

Moving completely in my own flow and allowing my identity to be completely tied up in my work.

My faith game was real weak because I haven’t been tapping into my source.

“You can take it straight.”

So I finished telling her all the things and laid my head back on the couch in exasperation.

Sharing all of your inner most thoughts and secret fears can be exhausting.

I knew I was in for the talking to I needed when my therapist said, “You can take it straight,” and proceeded to give me the healthiest, most loving read I’ve received in a long time.

Nicole,

You’re moving out of alignment with the way you’ve moved in the past when God was showing you your next steps. What were you doing during those times? Praying.

It sounds like you’re trying to force God’s hand. But if you’re forcing His hand, He can’t show you His strength.

Sometimes God’s best work comes when we’re backed into a corner–that’s when we’re out of the way.

Y’all.
I was wrecked but I couldn’t do anything but receive what she was saying to me because she was absolutely right and I knew it.

Our Homework

If you’re still reading this then this homework is for both of us.

Pray + Let go.

I was reminded that acting in faith doesn’t mean we always see the next step, it just means we take it.

She didn’t tell me to stop thinking about what I want to do next or quit applying for jobs, but reminded me that none of that work matters if I’m not moving in God’s flow.

And if that wasn’t enough…

It just so happened our school counselor came back from maternity leave and she just so happened to slap me over the head with another word.

She told me God is waiting to see if we’ll do the work of having faith. We’ve applied for the jobs, written the proposals, studied for the exams–but can we believe that God will provide? Can we depend on Him now, so we won’t forget Him when we find success later?

So wipe your tears, come get this hug, and believe the following:

1. Apart from God nothing happens.
2. God will never play you.
3. There is more in your future than you could ever hope for or imagine.

We have some work to do sis, we have to start knowing and believing.

There is magic in our musings and our faith,
Nicole