It is a beautiful day in Atlanta and I am so grateful for the sun. So instead of the couch, I figured we could drink a good Chardonnay on the back deck today.

Because we’re going to need a good wine and pretty scenery for this pill I’m going to ask you to swallow today.

It’s the same pill I asked a dear friend to swallow when she was hosting me for a sleepover a few weeks ago ago.

So we’re over her house having a delicious glass of Chardonnay (see the pattern?) while Facetiming our third soul sister who wasn’t there when I begin to tell them both about a friend of mine who I think would amazing for her.

He has a heart of gold.
Is well traveled.
Successful at his work.
Is the kind of man you can growth with.
Loves Jesus
Love his mama.
And would match her vibe while they both continue to vibrate higher.

And you know the first question my girl asks?

“Well is he fione?!”

I tell her yes, but he’s not what she typically goes for while I’m still side eyeing the mess out of her.

Loudly.

Yes, loudly.

Now while I’m over here looking at sis, my other friend simply says, “Now you know there are differences between preferences and standards?”

I swear I wish someone would’ve said that to my single ahh.
I could have avoided all kinds of hurt feelings.

So today we’re talking about the differences between our preferences and our standards.

You won’t like me.
But it’s okay, ’cause I love you.

What’s the Difference?

A preference is a liking for one alternative over others.
A standard is a level of quality.

So while liking something might initially catch our attention, our preferences don’t actually improve anything’s quality.

A quality is something that can’t be changed by things like:
Physical appearance
Social status
Net worth

No amount of money can fix his heart.
He may be tall but doesn’t share your need for spiritual fulfillment.
He’s fine as all outside but won’t pick up a book to save his life.

You see where I’m going here?

The Misconception: “Your standards are too high.” Nah, they ain’t high enough.

We as women can find pride in our “high standards” but we need to sit down.

You don’t have high standards–you just have really particular preferences.

If you’re list in a partner includes numbers like net worth and a minimum height, those aren’t standards. Those are preferences.

And I know your standards aren’t high enough if your preferences can consistently supercede them when you think about who you want to do life with.

Well what about men, Nicole?

Well what about them?

Yup, there are men out there with all kinds of unrealistic requirements for the women they date, but it’s okay because we’re focused on the qualities a man brings to the table…so we don’t even have to worry about those types.

If his preferences are consistently superseding his standards…they aren’t high enough either.

But his superficial preferences and his inability to read out loud can get a pass ’cause he’s 6’3″.
Girl, bye.

And those types will one day figure out that what they’ve been looking for and what they needed all along were two very different things.

By then, you’ll be out here living life fully with someone who compliments you in ways you couldn’t have even imagined…trust me I know.

But that’s a whole ‘nother blog post.

Caution: patterns delay progress.

Now, I’m not telling you to go out and find someone broke, short, and unattractive.

That is not at all what I said.

As a matter of fact, I think attraction matters a lot. I do not believe that you are meant to be with someone your entire life who you don’t enjoy looking at or interacting with because they’re smart or kind.

There have been times when I wanted so badly to like someone because of how good,they were but just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

And…
I’m going to ask you the hard question now.
I only ask my friends the hard questions…so welcome to the club.

If being with people who consistently met your preferences, but not your standards was working…wouldn’t you be in a healthy fulfilling relationship right now?

And if you are in one…truly take the time to think about what makes it healthy and fulfilling.

I’d put money on the fact it has nothing to do with his eye color or where his degree came from.

I thought I’d marry this very tall very chocolatey man.
(I’ve always had an incredible appreciation for chocolatey men that’s always been unrequited.)

Instead I got my not-so-tall Black and Filipino partner.
Who loves to read books.
Who loves travel.
Who loves his mom.
Who has never had a problem working to understand why I am frustrated by his actions and ensuring he doesn’t repeat them.
Who writes more beautifully than I do.
And who sends chills down my spine.

But I had to move my preferences out of the way so I could be open to that kind of love.

The Challenge

For my friends who are seriously in a place where they are ready to fully give and receive love and all of the work that comes along with it, can you be open to learning about someone who shows evidence of meeting your standards even if they don’t match your preferences?

You might surprise yourself.

There’s magic in our musings and our standards,
Nicole