It feels like everyone talks about sex.
Cosmo
Movies
TV shows
Music
All my single friends

Everyone except married people.

Maybe it was because I was one of the first people in my circle to be married.

Or maybe it was because so many of my friends married people we all knew and loved and they thought it might be awkward to talk about it.

But for whatever reason, at the beginning of my marriage, the married people in my life weren’t talking about sex–like sex conversations were taboo for married people.

Which makes no sense.

If we want happy healthy marriages, we can’t pretend sex isn’t a part of that.

We can’t act like sex as a married person isn’t different than sex before marriage.

It’s definitely different if you waited for your spouse.

So today, we talking about sex.

You’re probably reading this with the same expression my mom had when I first told her I wanted to write about sex.

I was on the phone the other day and she asked what I was writing about this week and I said, “Sex”.

She said, “Oh. Like, your sex life, Nik?”. By this point, I could tell she was barely breathing. It took everything in me not to fall out with laughter.

No mom, not my sex life. But I’ve learned some lessons in these last few years of marriage that I’d like to kindly pass on now.

Some things I wish 25 year old-just-married-Nik would have known.

I’m going to be talking to my newly-wed believers this time around, but you know everyone is always welcomed to these conversations.

God is rooting for your sex life.

You read that right.
Jesus wants you to get it in, sis.
I’m not over here just poppin’ off, I can back it up with the Word.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourself more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again…

1 Corinthians 7:5

Angels cheer when you and your husband put in that work.

But this is the COMPLETE opposite of what we hear from the time we are old enough to realize what our reproductive organs are actually there for. So let’s unpack that with the second truth.

The guilt you may feel is real, but misplaced.

I used to feel so convicted after having sex before I got married.

But why?

Well…in my humble, non-pastoring opinion, I think it’s because people try to scare young believers into abstinence instead of talking to them about how intimacy should match commitment.

When I asked married women, regardless of their religious affiliation, age, or race, what made sex better after marriage they all mentioned the unmatched safety they felt with their partners and how that safety freed them to explore themselves and their partners more deeply.

But most of us has received either no message at all, misguided advice from well-meaning women, or the fire and brimstone version of the coach from Mean Girls:

So sex has been this “terrible” or just not talked about thing for our adult lives, and now it’s not just okay–but celebrated. Problem is, our mindsets (whether consciously adopted or not) haven’t fully caught up with our new reality.

Sex is mental.
If you aren’t having that euphoric SpongeBob meme experience, it likely has nothing to do with your body and everything to do with your mind.

And that guilt you still might be feeling.

Know that sex is a beautiful, mind blowing experience that is best when its done in the safety and security of a relationship where your commitment matches the level of intimacy you’re about to partake in.

Sex may start good, but it gets better.

I was having a conversation with a friend who has recently gotten married and was talking about how to marry her free spirited nature with her husband’s conservatism in the bedroom.

Movies and songs have us believing that the moment we step into the bedroom it’s explosive.

It may be good, honey, but my prayer for you is that the pinnacle of your sex life isn’t in the beginning of your marriage. Where’s the fun in that?

In the same way it took time to learn the face he makes when he’s really worried about something or the spot under your neck where you’re ticklish–you’ll need to learn the face he makes when it’s really good or the spot where your whole body shuts down in bliss.

Being good at having sex with a lot of people isn’t the same as being good at what your partner likes. And vice-versa.

That takes time to learn but and that learning can be so fun…and funny. It doesn’t always have to be so serious! If you don’t laugh at catching a cramp every now and again—you ain’t experimenting or stretching enough.

There is magic in knowing what you partner likes and exploring the newness of sex. It’s really easy to fall into the same old routines–now don’t throw away what you know gets the job done, but do know there’s more out there to try.

If it’s not great at the beginning–there’s nothing wrong with you. Trey Songz and Eric Bellinger will have you arch a brow because what they said and what your husband just did don’t match.

Which brings me to the next point.

Communication doesn’t end when sex begins.

Now isn’t the time to be quiet, girl.
You better let him know when he’s putting it down.

And you also need to let him if you don’t like something.
You also shouldn’t be offended by his directions.

This is how you learn your partner. Putting in work to learn what you both like makes everything better.

You have a sexy voice; you better learn how to use it.

You make time for what matters.

When I was asking married women about sex a good friend weighed in to talk about how intentional you have to be with sex after marriage.

She said, “I think it’s become a challenge to be intentional about getting it in and not letting busyness get in the way. Whereas back when we were younger, sex was the only thing we had going on.”

There’s nothing wrong with scheduling date nights and sex. If you don’t–it might not happen.

Why not?
Glad you asked, a woman I am always confiding in about marriage said, “Frequency shift(s) at certain points because of going into more complex jobs that are more emotionally and mentally taxing. Jiggas are too tired to do as much as (you) normally do.”

Building a life together is really different from an “Are you up?” text.

You also have to be clear about what you want. Save Maxwell and a million candles for a night when you don’t have to set an alarm clock for the next morning.

But that doesn’t mean the neighbors can’t know your name for 15 minutes on a Tuesday evening.

In addition, be clear about what it will take to get you in the mood because it’s really easy to say, “no.”

And you have every right to do so, even when you’re married.

But you know what’s more fun?

Telling him that you aren’t currently in the mood, but can be if he can get you there.

It’s amazing what a simple challenge can do for your husband’s focus and creativity.

You’re welcome.

I take:
Venmo
CashApp
Starbucks
Target
Barnes and Noble

Find some trusted married friends.

Having friends, even just one, who can relate to your situation and speak life over it, matters. There have been times when I’ve had to call a friend and ask if I was crazy for feeling a certain way.

There have been times when I’ve had to tell newly wed wives that sex gets better with time…even if there’s nothing wrong with it now.

Not having a trusted married friend, can make you feel like there’s something wrong with you and marriage instead of something that many married people learn to navigate.

So keep on keeping on, my friends. Know that sexual bliss is on the other side of some leg cramps, some laughs, and some scheduled intentional alone time–no, Lowes runs don’t count. Know that nothing is wrong with you, your marriage or your partner.

There’s magic in our musings and our orgasms,
Nicole