My dad is awesome for a lot of reasons–but one reason is because of the way he gave advice and not mandates when it came to dating.
He never told me I couldn’t do anything.
But what he did do was lead by example early and often.
So early and so often in fact that while I got my lil’ feelings hurt by butthead boys, I was never impressed by simple things.
But there was this one piece of advice that I never fully understood until I was much older.
He would always tell me, “Nik, just be friends. Always be friends first.”
In my teenage know-it-all brain, I thought my dad was just trying to pull a fast one on me.
Trying to keep me from having a lil’ boyfriend. (And even if this was true, it would have saved me all kinds of hurt feelings.)
But now as a mostly grown-up almost 30 year old, I realize this was and still is some of the greatest advice I ever received.
So if you don’t believe me, let me tell you why a best friend will always trump a boyfriend.
And no, I’m not telling you that you only need best friends and not boyfriends, but I am saying a healthy romantic relationship will emulate a health platonic one.
Friendships sustains relationships.
Happy healthy relationships are work.
They’re often more work than people are willing to do and that’s why they don’t always work.
But you know what most people aren’t willing to do?
Throw away a tried and true friendship.
Even when time and distance get in the way and life happens…we all have those friends we don’t see or talk to often, but when we do we pick back up exactly where you left off.
Like no time has passed.
My marriage continues to thrive for the same reasons my closest friendships do:
If I love you, I will work hard to never give you a reason to feel embarrassed or unsafe because of something I intentionally do.
After Jesus, friendship is what transforms my wedding vows from pretty words to daily actions.
I’d argue your relationship can only be as strong as your friendship.
Friendship clarifies what true love is to you.
True love is true friendship.
Two people who don’t have to be together choosing each other regardless of the hardships that come their way.
Knowing that they are whole and complete alone, but that their lives are fuller together.
Having meaningful friendships help show you what strong romantic relationships should look like.
Just last night I was talking to a friend who had identified some hard truths in her own life.
She perceives truth and difficult conversations with her female friends as love, but saw the same type of truth from men as rejection.
For her, romantic love wasn’t real unless it looked and sounded exactly like what she wanted, not what she needed.
But she would kick my butt if I ever decided to tell her only what she wanted to hear. She’d call me a phony friend. One that doesn’t have her best interest at heart.
And she would have every right.
Why? Because my honesty is how I love her best.
And in my relationship, honesty is how I’m loved best.
It’s not always the easiest…but I know my marriage, just like my friendships, are strengthened through crucial conversations.
Your truest friendships should set the standard for how you navigate romantic relationships.
I can look back on so many of my failed relationships and realize that they didn’t work because I was not as vulnerable, transparent, or raw with my partner as I am with my friends.
It also didn’t work because like a lot of people who we mislabel as friends, those partners weren’t worthy of my vulnerability, transparency, or honesty.
My romantic relationship holds all of the same values my closest and dearest platonic friendships do. The ability of the people in my life to love me well, set a standard for the quality of love I would accept later as a girlfriend and a wife.
Friendship refines who you are and how you love.
We often see some version of the quote, “If the people in your life aren’t helping you grow, you don’t have a circle…you have a cage.” I look around my circle in awe of the people who form it. Lawyers, entrepreneurs, bloggers, school leaders, designers, creators, and so much more.
It is this group of people who inspire me to do better, who call me out on all my mess, and who love me so well. I am better because of my friends.
And I can say the same about my marriage.
Through my husband’s encouragement, I can see areas of negativity in my own thinking.
His work ethic motivates me to do more.
The constant belief he shows in my increases my faith.
He doesn’t always make me comfortable, but he always makes me better.
He, like my friends are continuous example setters and trailblazers for me.
I love more deeply and give more freely because of who they are and how they move through the world.
So the next time you feel like you “only” have your friends.
That you are missing out on “your person” or that you wish someone would love you well…just remember your friends.
And as you work to build happy, healthy, romantic relationships you better make sure they emulate the kinds of relationships you share with the most genuine truest friends you have.
There is magic in our musings and friendships,
Nicole