By the time you all read this, my husband and I will have celebrated 4 years of marriage. I am grateful for the time we have spent together. Both the successes and disappointments have always been that much sweeter or manageable because of his love.

I often say the training wheels are still on my marriage. There were a litany of things I thought about before I got married and on all accounts I was sure that he was the man for me. I was (and still am) deeply in love with him. But one of the things I never thought about is if I could grow in love with him. If I could love him as he continued to evolve. If he could love me. We said “I do” at 25 and 27 years old. And though we were sure, we aren’t the exact same people anymore.

Growing in love takes far more work than falling in love, but it’s something no one ever talks about.

So of course you know we’re going to talk about it.

What do you mean by ‘growing in love’?

Falling in love can feel like throwing caution to the wing and losing control. Your heart won’t do what your brain tells it to. It feels like you have no control over your emotions. Every text feels like a declaration of love. And you might feel like you’ve met “your person” just months after knowing them.

Growing in love is a very conscious choice. It’s like you’ve taken a boiling pot and let it simmer. There is a constancy to growing in love that falling in love can’t give you. The lid isn’t ready to blow off every few minutes because you’ve taken all that power and learned how to concentrate it in order to create something with the power to last without burning itself up.

Falling in love can take an instant, but growing in love takes time. Time for both people to grow up and together and decide that they still choose other. Time for life and what they know about themselves to dictate whether they still belong together.

You say your vows while you’re still falling, but you live them out while you’re growing.

Continual vs. Sporadic

That feeling of first falling in love with someone isn’t one that lasts forever…and thank God. Do you remember how you felt when you first fell for someone?

I won’t speak for anyone else, but I was temporarily insane…even if I hid it well. Productivity was at an all time low because my thoughts were always consumed with him. I’m sure my friends were low-key so tired of me talking about my boyfriend–but they held me down, though.

And when something was wrong between the two of us, it feel like the world was coming to an end. God knows we’d all be unemployed and friendless if this kind of love lasted forever. It feels incredible, but it’s not sustainable.

Growing in love feels more like your best friend (who knows all those things you like 😉 ) doing life alongside of you everyday. Your thoughts aren’t just about him, but how you can build a life together. Your conversations aren’t consumed with talks of him, because they’re spent cracking up along with him. Growing doesn’t feel as sporadic but the comfort of the consistency feels just as good.

Conditional vs. Unconditional

Falling in love is sexy, fast, and explosive…which is exactly why it can fizzle out as quickly as it starts.

I meannnn ya girl is never opposed to something explosive a few times a week, but the reality is a slow burn will keep you warmer for a lot longer than a firework.

And while you are falling in love, it’s easier to walk away. It’s easy to walk away from someone who you haven’t gone through something with. But growing requires that you stay for all of it. The good and the bad, the highs and lows. The moments when you want to rip all of his clothes off and when you can’t stand the way he chews. Because both will happen.

Now, we’re talking about the waves that come within healthy relationships. There is no sticking around for abuse in unsafe situations.

The longer you love, the more you build, the fewer conditions you will put on your partner.

Self Growth vs. Team Growth

You remember at the beginning when you wanted to do everything together? My dawg was in stores he would have never set foot into without you. You were at events you didn’t quite love, but you loved him so it was okay.

Some stuff doesn’t change. I’m still going to stuff I wouldn’t choose for myself and he’s still walking into store he wouldn’t otherwise walk into without me.

But what else I’ve realized is that we need the stuff that feeds our souls as individuals. We have to keep the friends who love us individually. We need people who can still keep our (non-marriage threatening) secrets and remind us that we were some dope people before we entered into a dope union.

We need vacations with our friends and to say yes to our dream jobs. Of course we need compromise and stability; but that doesn’t eliminate the need for spontaneity and freedom. We can’t be a kick ass team, when we’re not honoring ourselves as individuals.

We also can’t expect that our partner is going to the stay the same. It wasn’t until a solo trip last year that I realized I wasn’t going to be ready to have kids at the timeline we agreed on. More recently, I realized I wanted a job that would afford me the ability to travel to the West Coast regularly since my husband’s new job opportunity means we’ll be firmly planted in Atlanta for a while.

I am cooler now than I have ever been. More sure of myself and what I want as both an individual and a member of a team. But that doesn’t come without its challenges.

Growing Pains

Like with any, the growing pains will come. While my prayer for you is that the heart of the person you have chosen to do life with doesn’t change, I pray you extend the grace and flexibility for them to fully evolve into who they’re meant to become.

And that’s not always easy.

Saying yes to your partner’s dream job sounds good, until you realize you’re running a household alone. Being cool and sure of yourself is fantastic, until it comes into direct conflict with what your spouse is also sure of. But it’s in the growth, that you find ways to compromise that don’t feel like one sided sacrifices.

And it’s in the growth that you can figure out how to turn one sided sacrifices into mutual understanding.

I remember dating my now husband and not being able to afford to do anything but read books at the end of the month because teacher pay in North Carolina was so low. We used to go to our favorite restaurant on special occasions and ration out what we would get so we didn’t spend too much.

Almost 7 years together and 4 years married, and we’re so much more comfortable financially, in our own skin, and in our relationship with one another.

So here’s to explosive beginnings and consistent in betweens with heart racing moments. To the times where you get to fully celebrate your individuality and the greatness you are as a team. Here’s to not just falling in love, but growing in love.

There’s magic in our musings and our love stories,
Nicole