Today was a good day. (We can only be friends if you read that in your Ice Cube voice.)

The airport staff was kind and attentive when guiding me through Pre-Check and no one seemed to be in a rush. I had a window seat on my flight. The clouds looked fluffy enough to hold you in the air should you have decided to jump.

When I got off the plane, I spotted a Popeyes without a line.
You know your girl got a chicken sandwich.
You know it was bomb.

The car rental agent commented on my cool last name, my hair, and my company credit card. I don’t know which impressed him the most, but he upgraded my car. He looked a little disappointed when his eyes wandered down at my left hand and there sat my wedding rings, but the upgrade stuck.

I played 85 to Africa the whole car ride to my hotel while munching on my chicken sandwich. The ride was smooth and without traffic. I got to the hotel and tried to check in but was a little too early. It was okay though. I realized there was a Barnes and Noble a half a mile away so I wandered the aisles and picked up a few new reads. In the 40 minutes it took me to make my selections, a room was ready for me.

I checked in and unpacked my suitcase, laying out all the options I had brought with me on this work trip. I purchased a chai tea latte downstairs at Starbucks. My drink cooled while I took a shower and slipped into sweat pants.

Now I’m listening to Rayana Jay and sipping my latte while I write this. I already have plans to order room service.

And through it all, do you know what I thought?

You are so fake, and one day everyone is going to realize it.

The Real

About a month ago I landed a job that God designed just for me. It allows me to work from home when I’m not racking up Sky Miles and hotel points. It allows me to travel to some pretty cool places. I pass Facebook headquarters on my daily commute on the west coast. Above all, it has deepened and expanded the impact I am able to have for kids.

And I can’t help but think there was another smarter more together Nicole that they actually intended hiring, but they mixed us up.

Every good thing I do feels like a fluke and every screw-up confirmation that I don’t belong. Everyone in my new organization is really smart and really kind. Meanwhile, I’m over singing, “One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn’t belong.”

I am the thing. The thing that doesn’t belong is me.

And this isn’t in some self deprecating, I’m just saying all of this so someone will tell me how great I am stuff, I really believe it.

I’m thinking about going to kick my feet up on the couch and explaining all of this to my therapist sooner rather than later.

If you’re in a season where you feel the same, I can assure you that you aren’t alone. And while I can’t tell you that I’m on the other side of it yet, I think I’ve finally found the words to think through why we gotta love ourselves through these doubts.

1. It is draining.

We have all been there.
The phone rings and you get ready to answer and then you see who it is.

It’s them.

That person who makes you tired before you even pick up the phone. The one who you believe is genetically predisposed to only say negative things.
You feel bad for a moment, think about answering the phone, but ultimately decide:

Why? Because listening to 60 painful filled minutes of complaining, moaning, and groaning is physically exhausting.

In a world filled with bad news, who wants to sit on the phone and engage with more?

Well guess what?

That same kind of exhaustion you’re trying to protect yourself from experiencing, you are out here subjecting yourself to.

Sure, your negative thoughts aren’t weighing anyone else down, but girl they sure are heavy. And because you aren’t telling anyone about them, you’re shouldering that load all by yourself. We can be out here pretending like you are moving freely, but so long as you’re holding onto those self-critiques that aren’t rooted in anything, you’re draining yourself.

2. It is Derailing

The only way to prove to yourself that you do belong is to combat those nasty thoughts that you don’t. Imposter syndrome says you aren’t qualified to take up the space you do. The moment you start believing that, you can find yourself frozen in fear and not doing the work and refining the skills that can prove otherwise.

Imposter syndrome throws off your focus.

It will keep you from asking questions for fear that others will know what you already believe: that you’re unworthy of your seat. Chronic negativity will keep you playing small, keep you from taking the risks that will move you to the next level.

If the enemy can’t get you to stop doing what you’re doing, he’ll make what you’re doing seem insignificant. Keep pushing anyway. Anytime you find yourself in a place where you don’t think you know or can do something, send up a silent prayer and remind yourself that the Holy Spirit can teach you all things (John 14:26).

Go ‘head and try to find something outside of all.
Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

3. It is isolating.

Imposter syndrome will make you think that having it all together at the same damn time is somehow attainable.

Which is why we won’t ask the questions, we won’t make the mistakes, and we won’t share our feelings about not feeling ready or able with others.

And beyond being scary, or draining…it’s lonely.

Trying to be perfect is hard work. Looking like it’s always right means never letting people get close enough to see that it’s not. It also means not having the support of people who can hold you up and think through ways to do it better.

Imposter Syndrome says I’m supposed to have it all together and I’m unworthy if I don’t.

Honest says I’ll never have it all together and that’s okay.

There is so much freedom in the messiness, sis. It’s not cute, but it’s real and it reminds us that we need people, that learning is continuous, and that not having it all together affirms our humanity.

I was feeling really defeated last week after a brainstorming session with some colleagues who all felt infinitely smarter than I am, when one of them pulled me to side and said,

It’s learning because nobody expects folks to already know it.

– This really smart woman who I like a lot.

Somewhere along the lines either through messages we believe about ourselves, or messages others put on us, we started to believe that gaps in our learning somehow meant flaws in our character or self worth.

Those two things aren’t the same.

Unfinished learning is a phrase I’ve heard a lot since starting this new job and it is really freeing me from the expectation that I have to know everything.

I say freeing because I’m not free, yet. It’s still a lot easier to find the good in others than it is to find in myself. Sometimes, when I find it hard to pray about my situation, but I still want to talk to God, I pray for others. I don’t know why it’s always easier to intercede for someone else than it is for myself, but it is.

What I do know is that there is too much good in my life–unfinished learning and all–for me to keep believing I’m unworthy of it.

So here’s to being humble enough to recognize that we did not get here by ourselves. Confident enough to stand in all the good that is here and realize we are worthy of it, and hungry enough to keep trying, learning, and failing.

And may this be your reminder that none of those things diminish your self-worth.

There’s magic in our musings and our beliefs about ourselves,
Nicole