Dear Girl In Your 20’s,

I see you.
Technically, at the time of writing this I still am you.

We are infinitely dope and constantly making moves. Secretly being unsure, kissing who’s closest, and hoping for the best. By the time you read this, I will have stepped out of this glorious decade and into a new one. Though I can’t tell you much about 30, I’ve learned some things in my 20s that I hope doesn’t take you as long to learn as it did me.

So while I’m here, with you, for just a little more time, I thought we could have a heart to heart. From one women in this glorious decade to another. So go ‘head and refill your glass. I currently have water in mine, but that’s only because I’ve ingested far too many mango margaritas on this short trip to Mexico I decided to take to celebrate the last few days of my 20s.

You can unapologetically be yourself without making others feel small.

There is something beautiful about feeling confident in the choices you are making and the people you are choosing to do life with. It finally feels like you are getting some traction in your goals and you have a routine down that works for you.

It’s at this exact moment where you need to watch yourself. Not because you aren’t doing great, but because you are. There is an overinflated sense of self that can happen in these moments. This belief that your way of doing things is the only way of doing things.

And it’s not.

What’s worse is that you can make people close to you who haven’t arrived at this place feel small. Now I already know what you’re going to say before you say it: “If they can’t take my success, they don’t deserve my energy.” or “I’m just trying to help them. Obviously you can’t save people who don’t want to be saved.”

But for a minute let’s pretend it’s not actually about this newly elevated higher frequency version of yourself. Let’s remember the times when you weren’t sure of yourself and you didn’t know what you needed or wanted. The last thing that would have been helpful was someone making you feel bad because you hadn’t figured out what your next step could be. So remember to listen more than you speak and to ask people what they need instead of telling folks all the ways you think they should do things.

Loving someone means wanting the best for them–even if that’s not you.

I don’t know if there is a word count high enough to be able to effectively communicate the first time a lover or friend walks out of your life. It hurts. And while we all have learned to “love the sound of our feet walking away from things that aren’t for us,” it doesn’t lessen the sting that comes with rejection.

And that’s okay.

There will likely be a moment before you’ve embraced that sound where you will want to so desperately hear a different one. The sound of that person walking back into your life. I know I have. But the longer I sat with the feeling of disappoint and unpacked the why behind it, I realized something. I didn’t want that relationship back because I thought it was the best for me. Or because I thought I was the best for them. I wanted the familiar. I didn’t want to have to navigate making new friends and forging new relationships.

But then I realized I wasn’t the same. And neither were they. The end of a good relationship isn’t an indication of failure from either person. Maybe it’s just a sign of growth.

Your worth isn’t diminished by lack of fit in someone else’s life in a new season. You can fully love someone and be cheering them on from the sidelines without having to be an integral part of their story.

You can do hard things, you just don’t want to. Learn to see the difference.

Hey sis, you can do hard things.

Oh, so you’re going to act like you didn’t hear me?
I said, you can do hard things.

The reality is that you might not want to. If you’re anything like me, you may choose to do hard things in one area of your life, but another one is lacking. Ya girl can do intellectually difficult things all day, but my discipline when it comes to nutrition is trash.

I don’t go to Chick-Fil-A _____ times per week because I’m too busy. The truth is, I don’t want to say no to those delicious golden waffle fries and because I don’t want to prep the foods I need in order to have a good week. Learning to see the difference will illuminate areas in your life where you are choosing not to do hard things.

I will be the first one to say I rely on my feelings way too much. So much so that I have allowed them to impact my discipline in certain areas more than I’d like to admit. Walking into 30 means beefing up my discipline in certain areas of my life that I could have mastered in my 20s, had I chosen to see them.

Your dreams need air and sun.

Everything is’t for everyone. A great idea doesn’t need to be shared with the masses before you’ve had an opportunity to flesh it out and execute. But something else I’ve learned along the way is that your dreams need air and sunlight.

When you hold your ideas too closely to your chest, you smother them. You don’t give them the space they need to continue to grow and develop. And they’re kept away from the people who will keep you accountable for making them happen. Accountability, feedback, and encouragement are your dreams’ air and sun. It’s how they move from the hoping phase to the planning phase and then into execution. I don’t believe we were all meant to carry all things alone.

Find the people who want to see you win and let them help water the things you’ve been called to do. It doesn’t absolve you of your responsibility to see turn that vision into reality, but the right people can help you along the way.

You aren’t great because of someone else’s deficits, but because of your strengths.

I need to remind you that BGM is a judgement free zone.

Okay, so, I really like the beach, but I don’t love myself in a bathing suit.

When I’m there I often see women of varying shapes and sizes and think to myself, If she can wear that then you shouldn’t be so nervous about putting on a swimsuit, Nik.

Now we don’t have time to talk about all the ways that thought is problematic so we’ll stick to just one. For as long as I can remember, I have placed my strengths up against what I perceive to be someone else’s deficits and vice versa.

I tricked myself into believing that I was only good because someone else wasn’t.

I only looked good in a certain thing, because someone else didn’t.

My skillset was only impressive, because someone else didn’t have it.

And when the tables turned, I couldn’t be great because someone looked better, was more credentialed, or more talented. Not because of anything I had been told, but because of what I had told myself.

My strengths are not derived from someone else’s deficits and neither are yours.

All people aren’t your people and that’s okay.

I surely hopped on the “No New Friends” bandwagon a couple of years ago and am so grateful to have fallen off. Some of the best people in my life in this season are people I recently met.

And while I believe you should keep reaching out and making friends, I have also come to realize all people aren’t your people. There are people who will move through the world who just don’t match your energy or direction. It doesn’t mean theirs is bad, just that it might not be for you. And that’s okay.

The sooner you stop trying to make all people your people, the sooner you will attract the tribe that will fill you up instead of exhausting you from all the pretending you have to do

God will never play you.

While I didn’t coin this phrase, if my 20s taught me just one thing, it is this. Every single time I thought, “I guess this just isn’t happening for me,” God showed up with the exit strategy.

And not just a barely hanging on type exit strategy but something that blew my mind and exceeded every expectations I had for myself. He is so faithful and He has equipped you for whatever season you are currently in. The hardship you are facing now is so you can be better equipped for the season that comes next.

In the gym, you add weight to build strength. At some point, you can’t keep doing the same number of reps with the same amount of weight and think you’ll get any stronger.

In life, you deal with varying degrees of challenge. You can’t keep “overcoming” the same challenges and think your faith, mindset, or skillset will get any stronger.

So there you have it, friends. Just a few insights from my 20s. Take what you need. Leave what you don’t. Don’t be afraid of your 20s or in a rush to leave them. Sometimes, they get a bad rep. But you need them. So enjoy them.

There is magic in each decade and all the lessons within,
Nicole