Potential (adj.) having or showing the capacity to become or develop into something in the future

It’s the word we use to describe people who are on the brink of something worthwhile.

A new situation that seems promising.

The man with whom we may see something in the future.

Typically, it carries a positive connotation…
until it doesn’t.

After having drinks with a dear friend, a theory I’ve had about romantic relationships and potential began to solidify:

If used incorrectly, potential can be dangerous.

Everyday, there are magical, fearless, fierce women who are stuck…not on a man…but on his potential. On the idea of what he can one day be. On who he might decide to become and it’s that potential that drives so many crazy. The ability to see what seems like even he can’t.

And that’s dangerous, sis. Let’s talk about why. Shall we?

Many of us have been there.

The date is amazing.
The conversation is phenomenal.
You’re laughing at jokes that are actually funny.
He’s fione and he smells like happiness and success (That.Damn.Good.)

He’s listening to you and is genuinely interested in the work you do and what makes you feel most alive.

He’s telling you about his future aspirations and the passions that he loves. He’s got a plan, he’s smart, and you can see he has the ability to execute on the ideas he’s sharing with you.

So naturally your mind gets to work…

Our kids will be so cute. His height, my eyes? Hello Pampers commercial!
Politics? I could be a senators wife. We need a complete government overhaul anyway.
We are so in sync–we will raise such upstanding humans.
What kind of car is what? I’ll look real good passenger side.
He loves to travel too? We’re about to be laid up on the French Riviera while he feeds me grapes. 

Thank you, Jesus, for this incredible partner!

PUMP YOUR BRAKES…need I remind you this is only the 2nd date you’ve gone on?
Clearly, I do.

Because you aren’t falling for the man in front of you–you’re sprung over the highlight reel you’re developing in your head.

And I’m not out here condemning you girl, because I am the Ava Duvernay of award winning mental pictures. Fully written, practiced, and performed with a soundtrack written by Drake. Dialogue and emotions that feel so real I have to remind me that none of it is real. It isn’t only something that you do, girl. It’s something a lot of us do.

And with good reason.

So often, we’re receiving messages about the importance of building with someone. Listening to people point out how we grace ourselves through growth but expect a partner who comes complete and perfect lacking nothing.

And these things are true.

The problem comes when we get to building in our heads instead of slowing down long enough to see if he has both the potential and habits with which to build in real life.

And that’s problematic, because along with potential you need to be watching for patterns.

You’re already married to the man in your head and the man standing in front of you wants nothing to do with a committed relationship.

He’s always “swamped” with work. He’s trying to “have fun”, and you are constantly thinking, “What are we doing”. And after some time has passed you, the woman who has no problem telling her boss, financial advisor, students, or employees exactly what she wants, finds herself shrinking her expectations all to preserve the relationship that lives exclusively in your mind.

Falling in love with potential alone will have you out here frustrated because reality can never meet your expectations.

Falling in love with potential alone will have you defenseless when real life hits you and you realize your partner is ill-equipped to hold you down (because tragedy rarely makes its way into my mental movies..how about yours?)

Falling in love with potential alone will have you passing by the man who has the potential and the habits to love you in real life the way that other man loves you in your mind.

So how do we move from unmet expectations to building with someone besides our imagination?

You watch.

Take stock of a man’s words and actions.
Observe him when he gets stressed out…or you do.
Pay attention to his response when you say no.
Note how much he reaches out during the hardest or busiest times.
Keep track of how he responds when you’re not your best self.

These are true indicators of his potential to build with you here in the real world, where ish is hard and adulting can sometimes make you feel like you’re drowning.

And keep dreaming girl!
Keep thinking of how good his last name sounds next to your first (if you want to change it, that is).
Keep deciding what sports and instruments you want your kids to play.
Keep fantasizing about getting fed grapes on the riviera.

Just makes sure your boo’s patterns are worth of your thoughts.

There’s magic in our musings (and his habits),
Nicole