I’m currently reading a book entitled, “Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine” written by Gail Honeyman. The main character, Eleanor, is a  30 year old woman who lives as a recluse due to trauma she experienced as a child. Eleanor is also the narrator of this story and it took me a good 4 days to get into the plotline because it is so strange.

Not scary strange.

Not gross strange.

Just strange.

Her social interactions are almost painful to read about.

There are parts where the book is dry because parts of Eleanor are dry.

And while seemingly logical to her, her way of thinking is sometimes hard to follow for anyone functioning in the outside world. But to her, she is okay….completely fine even.

Eleanor has chosen to normalize the completely abnormal because her current reality is better than her tormented past, which she has chosen to forget.

There were a smooth 40 pages, where I was reading this book just to figure out what the heck happened to Eleanor…cause whatever it was….y’alll…it wasn’t a game. ( I still don’t know, I’m not done.)

And in the middle of reading about my boo, Eleanor, I had my first session with my therapist.

And she asked, I’m sure what all therapists ask when you first come to them:
“So, what brings you here?”

And. I. Unleashed. The. Floodgates.

I told her everything.
It was the first time I bared my soul to anyone in one sitting about the issues I’ve been dealing with my entire life.

It took my husband five entire years to get just some of the information I let go in that room.

I walked out of there feeling so much relief.

And then on the drive home I realized…I am Eleanor.

Replaying the conversation I had, I realized that I have chosen to normalize the completely abnormal because it makes it easier to live through my own emotional trauma, some of which I have chosen to forget.

While I say I love people in spite of their actions, I realize I have compartmentalized the people I love the most because it allows me to love them and forget their actions.

And as I sat across from this woman I explained my life, which sounded completed logical to me but I’m sure it was difficult for her to follow my dysfunction as a person functioning in the outside world.

You know this just aint about me, right?
Yeah, girl…this is about you too.

You know we’re real friends and not just internet associates so brace up for this truth I’m about to give you wrapped in love.

No, that “thing” you hide, refuse to face,  or use to cope isn’t normal. It’s just that you have managed your dysfunction so well for so long it feels normal.

I don’t have cute headings with witty jokes to tell you how to deal with this…because I haven’t the slightest clue.

I don’t know what my relationships will look like when I don’t compartmentalize actions and people.

I don’t know how people will respond to my truth when I share it for the first time in life.

I don’t know how people will react when I put up emotional boundaries for the first time ever.

I don’t even have the words to communicate just how scared I am.

But I know it’s necessary.

I know that I can’t manage my life like Eleanor manages hers and you can’t either.

What I can say is you’re not alone.
That talking about will help you breathe.
And that it’s okay to not know what comes after that breath.

Like my own, I haven’t finished Eleanor’s story.
But I know that we can use our pain as a platform for our calling.

There’s magic in our musings,
Nicole