I’m interrupting our regularly scheduled program this week to bring you my game plan to kick grief’s ass for the next 21 days. But before we start talking about the why and the how I want to tell you what this is not.
This is not my know-it-all attempt to tell you how to manage your grief. It’s not even my humble attempt to tell you how to manage your grief. Grief is so painful and so personal that I would never even cross a big toe over that line. I haven’t even begun to figure out how to do that, so even if I wanted to tell you I couldn’t. What I cando is to share my heart and my ass kicking game plan with you so that if you decide it’s something you would like to try…you can. And if you don’t, that’s cool. So let’s get started, shall we?
Last Year
Last year on September 3rd my Nana celebrated her last birthday on this Earth. She was at church praising God as most faith filled grandmothers are. What she didn’t know was there was a plan for a lot of our family and her friends to come surprise her later that day after church. What we didn’t know was she would have a stroke right in the middle of the service.
There were about two weeks between that stroke and her leaving this Earth and I moved through those two weeks in haze. I was by her side for a lot of that time and felt like I was having an extended nervous breakdown for the rest of it. I remember having to walk out of meetings with plans to go home and wasn’t physically okay to drive. I’d find myself sitting in my office, just watching hours go by and nothing had gotten done. I was crying in the middle of classrooms. I’m sure people thought I had lost it. I thought I had lost it.
As someone who prides herself on having her ish together–I was spiraling out of control and had no idea how to get grounded again.
If I couldn’t count on anything else in this world, it was that my Nana knew I loved her and I know she loved me. She left and I had no regrets. But that didn’t make the loss feel any smaller.
She was my air.
And I’ve spent the last year trying to figure out how to breathe without her again.This was the biggest loss of my adult life and at times, I can still feel myself gasping for air.
Last year was hard for my family in so many different ways and it all seemed that all of our tragedies occurred in that two week span of time. I used my haze as a security blanket to not confront all that I was feeling.
This Year
But this year…there is no unhealthy security blanket. There is no tragic event after tragic event.
There’s just a lot of time and space for me and my grief. Towards the end of August I started to feel anxious. I knew my Nana’s birthday and the anniversary of her death was coming…but I didn’t know how I was going to manage it or even survive. Standard bereavement time is only 3 days and people bring you food and condolences for the first couple of weeks…but no one tells you how you’re supposed to deal with loss for the rest of your life.
The night of September 2nd came and I found myself afraid to wake up on the morning of September 3rd.
Not because I didn’t want to live…but because I didn’t want to feel.
So yesterday I woke up, cried, ran errands, and slept until Shamar roused me out of the house with tacos.
Clearly, the man knows the key to my heart.
I had these grand plans to climb a mountain (for real, hello, Stone Mountain) eat lunch and celebrate the amazing human being that was my grandmother…and instead I hid under a blanket.
It was then I realized I couldn’t let this be my life for the month of September.
My Plan to Kick Grief’s Ass
I was in my pre-haze last week feeling kind of anxious and uncomfortable, but not yet sure why when a friend shared that she had lost her grandparents this time four years ago and had do life with extreme intention during this time of year.
She talked about embarking on a 21 Day Challenge. Living the next 21 days of her life giving 120% to every area of her life without excuse. I was so inspired by her intentionality, I decided I wanted to take the next 21 days to do the same.
My plan was to celebrate my Nana and start the challenge on her birthday, but the grief monster attacked me. The only way to thwart off this insidious monster was to hide under my blanket.
My Nana and my Jesus know my heart…it’s cool if you don’t believe my story.
I’ve divided my plan into four areas of intentionally living at 120%:
Mental/Spiritual Health
Physical Health
Marital Health
Professional Health
Mental/Spiritual Health:
- No social media
- Reading/writing every day for personal growth
- Daily quiet time with Jesus
- Scheduling and attending therapy Sessions
- Feeling what I feel and being kind to myself
Physical Health:
- Eating in a way that reflects self-love (thanks for this phrasing, Tori)
- Working out daily
Relationship Health:
- Speaking affirmations to my husband daily
- Praying for my husband daily
- Being of service instead of demanding
- Being fully present when with people
Professional Health:
- Working at my 10
- Leaving work at work
- Leaning into difficult people
- Working with what is front of me instead of complaining about what should be
- Being intentional about evaluating my next career move
So here we go. Whether you are in a similar place emotionally or have never felt better, what can you commit to giving 120% to for the next 21 days?
There’s magic in our musings and our 120,
Nicole