Nicole recently posed a question on Instagram asking followers what questions they would like insight into from a man’s perspective. A question that was asked a few times was, “Why does a man suddenly disappear or become less interested in a woman that he was actively pursuing?”
She asked her husband, me (if you didn’t pick up on that), to provide commentary on this subject in blog form. So, here I go.
Reasons 1-3: The entire male species is trash. The End.
Just kidding, kind of.
The “all men are trash” statement isn’t entirely inaccurate depending on your experience, but it is unproductively broad. Men aren’t as monolithic as you would think, and there is a related subquestion here that some women can ask which is, “Why did he ghost me/treat me terribly/refuse to commit me/etc., but didn’t do the same thing to her?”
There are multiple reasons for why this might happen, and every situation is unique, but I want to offer three common reasons for why a man might end up getting “ghost.”
Reason #1: Interest in You vs. Interest in Commitment
A guy pursuing you will most likely tell you his best jokes, send good morning texts, plan romantic evenings, and be super-involved, and…actually mean all of it. He’ll have genuine interest in who you are, and show it for a while, but that doesn’t necessarily translate into wanting to be in a committed relationship.
You might be thinking, “But why not? If everything is going well, why change? Why stop?”
Some men, from the beginning of the relationship-ish thing y’all are doing, don’t have any intentions in being in a long-term, committed relationship.
They just don’t.
They enjoy the thrill. There’s excitement in the newness of getting to know someone. The conditions for spontaneity are ripe, and with every new conversation you unfold different layers of each other. Everyone enjoys this stage of the relationships because it is both electrifying and mysterious.
A long-term commitment requires responsibility and compromise and vulnerability and love. And because of this, many times men are fine with going their separate way. They fully embrace the reality that what y’all are doing has a shelf-life. When you combine unclear or uncommunicated expectations with this type of thinking, you get a long drawn out process for something that was never meant to be long-term.
Many times this is phrased as “a fear to commit” when actually it is just “a disinterest in committing.”
Reason #2: Commitment is Conditional
Many times, men are led by the idea that they have to be at a certain status before they want to pursue a serious relationship. I don’t think that is a good or bad thing, but it does play a factor in the way men set their intentions. A guy might pursue women with it in mind that, “I know that when I make X amount of money, or achieve X point in my career, then I’m ready to be serious.”
Where the issue lies in this is if both parties don’t have this mutual understanding. One party thinks the relationship is headed to something sustainable, while the other knows it will never materialize into something long-term. This is what causes frustration to build. Many times, women are complete unaware that these conditions exist, and they may or may not even matter. A man’s ability to offer security and provide financially leans more towards a mindset that is becoming more and more outdated, but men being the “breadwinners” still holds relevance in many relationships.
Reason #3: Toxic Masculinity
Toxic masculinity can manifest in a variety of ways, but I’m going to stay aligned with how it appears within this topic.
In the Toxic Masculinity Olympics, one of the main events men compete for a gold medal in is, “How Much Vagina Can You Get?”
In pursuit of this challenge, men will put on the guise of “genuine interest.” “Genuine interest” within the confines of Toxic Masculinity is simply a power play. It’s strategy for women that don’t want to engage in no-strings-attached-sex. At the root it’s a game, but on the surface it embodies authenticity. Toxic Masculinity encourages the belief of never settling into a monogamous relationship, because “it’s not in a male’s DNA to have sex with only one person.” It makes men search for value and fulfillment in sex, even if it comes at the expense of being immoral, while damaging others and themselves.
So Shamar, what led to you and Nik being in a long-term relationship?
For me, it was more about the impact Nicole had on my life, coupled with her being clear with her expectations. When we first started spending time with each other, I had zero intentions in getting into a serious relationship. Yes, I had genuine interest in Nicole, but I wasn’t interested in being in a committed relationship. We continued to spend time with each other for a few more weeks, before she approached me with this conversation one night while we were lying in bed:
Nik: “Hey, what are we doing? Like, with us?”
Shamar: “You know, titles change things. And I really don’t do relationships, because it seems like once you have a title, things are different.”
Nik: “I don’t not do relationships. And it’s something we don’t have to talk about right now. But by say, December, we need to revisit this. And if this isn’t what you want, then no hard feelings, but we can’t continue to do this. Titles give validity to the feelings you have for somebody.”
Shamar: “I hear what you’re saying…” *falls asleep*
This was a small step in a larger journey that eventually led to me proposing to the love of my life, but it was a significant moment. I had to make a decision. What led me to make the decision to commit was that I realized I was so interested in Nicole, that I was intrigued by how the relationships would evolve. I didn’t want the relationship to end, and if it meant putting a title on it, then I was fine with that. Our relationships only continued to blossom from there, which led to me realizing that Nicole was the woman I wanted to be with forever. She had a tremendous impact on the way I had decided to live my life, and I knew that us together was special.
– Shamar