This is part one of a three part series about the unexpected places in which we can find joy…when we are actively looking.

I’ve realized two things in the last three months:

1. If I can’t be honest with myself, I can’t write anything to you.
2. I have no problem talking to you about my struggles and the lessons I’ve learned from them as long as they’ve been resolved and are neatly packaged.

I’ve always been good about keeping my mess under wraps.

I hate loose ends in the street.

I refuse to speak when I’m angry.

I don’t announce moves until they come to fruition.

And as it relates to BGM, I don’t really share my struggles until after I’ve gone through the hardship, learned the lesson, and had time to sit on it and find clever ways to package it alongside what I think are really funny GIFs.

This isn’t something I’ve just done as someone who has chosen to share her writing with whoever out there is reading. I’ve always been this way. It’s definitely the Scorpio in me. And that’s definitely not always a bad choice.

The benefit of this has always been that people see me as a pretty well put together person. The drawback is at times I can come off as unapproachable because it never seems like I make mistakes.

It’s also the reason I’ve been radio silent over the last few months.

I’ve been going through it and it hasn’t really ended.
GIFs don’t feel as funny when you’re square in the middle of hard thing.
And up until recently, there didn’t feel like a ton of valuable lessons.

But the reason why this is so problematic is because I want Black Girl Musings to be a doing-life-blog not a lifestyle blog. And the mess that comes with your greatest messages sometimes needs to be shared.

So this message comes to you live from the middle of my mess with no solutions in sight, and that’s okay.

Someone needs your struggle as much as they do your success.

While it always feels good to let the world know you’ve made it to the peak, there is someone right now who would find way more value in knowing that they’re not alone in the valley.

So in case that’s you and you haven’t heard it recently, sis:

You aren’t the only one in the valley right now.

Now, I’m not asking you to drown via Instagram live. There are some things that are too personal, painful, and unprocessed to share with the world. Only you can decide what those things are and it is okay to hold them close. In my humble opinion, I just wouldn’t hold them so close they can’t be carried and prayed over by people who love you and want to speak life into you.

I feel a lot of uncertainty around work right now.

For better or for worse, my identity is wrapped up deeply in what I do. I believe deeply that I’ve been called to my work. I spend at least 10 hours a day in the building I work in and around the people with whom I work.

I started questioning educational systems not just at my school, but in school in general in ways I never have before. I started asking questions about why school functions the way it does even if that way doesn’t work for every kid.

A few months later, my role changed pretty dramatically and without notice. I understand why it had to, but no part of me was ready for the shift that occurred and I was frustrated by it. I was by no means a master of my craft, but I felt like I was moving in myself and the people I was responsible for in the right direction. I was frustrated because I enjoyed my work so much and I felt like I was removed from it before I had the opportunity to get good at it.

This change has asked me to revisit some of the wonderings with which I started this academic year. It has forced me to be extremely uncomfortable for purposes that are not yet 100% clear. It has also lead me searching for things of which I’m not completely sure.

All of this time in the valley and ya girl doesn’t even know what direction to move in, let alone able to see the light at the end.

Don’t ask me how this all ends ’cause quite frankly, Ionno.

What I do know is it doesn’t feel good.
That my faith game is a lil’ weaker than I thought it was.
That I check and double check my email right now like a fiend to see if any new opportunities are lurking in my inbox.

And I’ve learned some beautiful lessons in the middle of the hard stuff.

Your season of struggle doesn’t have to be void of joy.

I. Can’t. Even. Communicate. How. Dramatic. I. Am.

So dramatic y’all.
So dang dramatic.
Sometimes only in my head, sometimes loud and proud to the people who love me in spite of myself.

And I really need someone to appreciate this quality GIF I successfully slid into this post.

Let me tell you the ridiculous lie that I was allowing my dramatic arse to believe:

There can be no joy in the midst of your struggle.

This is a total and complete lie from the enemy.
Complete lie.
Absolute falsehood.

This, I realized today.

I don’t currently spend my days doing what I most want to do and I have so much joy.

I go to work thanking God for the day and the people with whom I get to spend my day.

I leave work feeling like I am making positive impact on the people around me and I laugh a lot.

And it’s okay to want more.

Ambition and gratitude can be friends.

I am both extremely grateful for my portion and fully aware that there is more on the horizon.

That doesn’t mean I don’t honor what’s in front of me right this second.

It also doesn’t mean I feel bad for knowing I would like to explore different opportunities in my life.

On the phone today, my mom told me how happy I sound. I told her how I have been actively working to find the joy in every day. (Because work and joy are mutually beneficial, not mutually exclusive. But y’all aren’t read for a whole ‘nother word in this post.) In the same breath, without frustration or resentment, I also told her that I don’t want to keep doing what I’m doing.

Those are two very real truths that don’t have live in tension with one another.

So be in the valley.
Don’t make a permanent home out of the valley; but work to learn permanent lessons.
Find joy.
Be optimistically dissatisfied.

And know that you aren’t the only person who is working hard to do all of those things at the exact same time.

There is magic in our musings, joy, gratitude, and uncertainty,
Nicole