My friend text me the other day and asked me how my now husband and I met and what it took for us to build our lives together. He was just looking for some honest advice from two far from perfect people.

He had recently decided he was ready to make space for a serious relationship in his life in order to add to the fullness which already existed. He was reaching out to people whose relationships he appreciated.

Ultimately–where we landed was to throw all the damned dating rules away and be yourself.

We joked it should be a book (or least a post) and here we are.

So I was ready to come on here and tell ya’ll to throw away all the rules…until I got a text from another friend.

She had ultimately made the choice to let go of a situation that was not serving her. It was the right choice, but she was having a hard time seeing it that way.

That conversation, helped me to see that before I tell you to throw all the damned rules away, we need to have a quick talk.

::pats couch seat::

So come on over here and sit down.
Be careful with your wineglass–my couch is beige.

Before we can talk about what you should stop doing…we gotta talk about what you should start doing.*

*I knew none of this while I was single. This all came from reflection after I got married…so go ‘head and take this advice and save yourself of the hard times I experienced.

I accept payment in the form of:
Venmo
Cash apps
B&N and Target gift cards.

Know Yourself & Don’t Compromise

I feel deeply.
Deeply.

I always have. I am a hella sensitive person and if you know me you know that. And if you don’t know that, welp my Scorpio is just out here putting on a facade.

I’ve never needed physical intimacy to care about someone and I’ve never been good at juggling multiple people even if I’m just in the “getting to know you” stages of something.

If I’m learning about you, I’m learning about only you.

I haven’t been involved with many men in my life–but I have had many repeat offenders.

I don’t go wide.
I go deep.
See previous GIF for reference.

And I don’t say that because I think it’s good or bad.
I say that because I know myself.

And every time my feelings got hurt, it was because I believed that the person who was standing in front of me could somehow change what I knew about myself.

That even though I knew my deeply feelin’ ahh needed exclusivity, time, and meaningful interactions to feel safe, I settled for coming over while he smoked and played “The Game”.

Ya’ll aren’t here to judge me.

Undergrad Nik struggled sometimes.

The Truth

My feelings got hurt not because I was bad at picking out guys.
They got hurt because I compromised on what I needed in order to feel safe.

Shame on you, bruh.
But shame on me too.

None of what I just said might resonate with you.

Maybe you need something totally and completely different in order to feel safe and that’s more than okay…but whatever it is, I need you to take some time to get honest with yourself and know it.

Boundaries create safety.

In the age of self-care and self-preservation we love to erect boundaries. But why don’t we erect those kinds of boundaries when it comes to dating?

Those closest to me are probably reading this and rolling their eyes because I sound like a broken record.

But if you only take one thing from this post it’s that boundaries create safety.

I wasn’t enlightened enough to do this when I was dating Shamar, but God was looking out. After we met, it took us months to finally end up in a place where we were truly by ourselves.

Initially it was because I was still in college in Florida and he was living in North Carolina.

Then it was because we were at a summer training program where we were never alone. If we were–it was still in a common space. Enough privacy to have great conversations and nothing else.

Obviously, he thought I was fine from the moment he laid eyes on me.
And yeah, sure I thought he was okay. (Lies…lies…he was and still is so fine!)

But because we all we had was conversation, we learned about each other. It’s that base that made it easier to build.

Our friendship.

Again, I didn’t have the foresight to make this decision consciously, but looking back, I am sure it was an important factor in the way we grew together.

The Power of No.

Now, you don’t have to believe me.
It’s okay.
I’m not offended.

But if you still don’t see the need for boundaries, let me put it to you differently.

Everyone is charming and incredible when they’re consistently hearing the word “yes” but you don’t know someone until they hear “no.”

Watching how someone reacts to your “no” in both big and little situations is more telling than how they respond to your yes.

This isn’t just for romantic relationships.
Tell someone no.

Do they accept your “no” as enough and leave it there?
Or does something somehow change in the way they approach you?
Suddenly are they a used car salesperson trying to convince you of something you’ve already explicitly refused?

Just watch.
I could be wrong.
But I’m not.

Now, throw all the damned rules away.

Okay, now what you’ve been waiting for.
Me telling you to finally throw all the damned rules for dating away.

Do you need some more wine before we hit the homestretch?

It doesn’t matter how you identify yourself or who you love, we all subject ourselves to this ridiculous set of dating rules that means nothing.

I was the last one to reach out, so if he wants to hear from me today he better send the text.

Calling feels too personal.

How many times should he pay before I do?

I told him to take the week to work on some stuff and not worry about me and did you know I haven’t heard from him all week?!

So you’re just going to sit around and think about him all day but not reach out?

The last date he took you on was awesome and you found this new Pho spot thats uh-mazing and you don’t want to invite him and pay because that’s “thirsty”?

You told him not to worry about hitting you up this week and you’re mad that he listened?

I know each of these situations has deeper context but the deeper context is still stupid. And you KNOW I’m not over here sitting high and mighty but we’ve been at this thing for over a year now. I don’t think you come to my couch and drink my wine (at least in my head) for me to just tell you things that you want to hear.

Love can’t grow from that place, sis.

We’re not over here trying to build healthy long lasting relationships.

We are over here testing people.

Making them jump through invisible hoops, subscribing to stupid rules that are a part of a game that the other person doesn’t even know they’re playing.

We’re the creator of the game and it changes, stops, and starts every time we put a silent expectation on someone that we’ve never actually communicated. Every time we’ve asked a question to judge and not listen.

If he cared he’d do X.
If she loved me she’d do Y.
If he does Z 5 times then I’ll know he’s serious.

That is the complete opposite of what true love is and this is exactly why it’s so hard to build.

So much so that when we see love in action or at the very least genuine concern, and it doesn’t match the unspoken conditions we’ve put on other people, we see it as something bad.

The best thing I ever did in a relationship was be myself…my entire self.

If I was the last one to text Shamar and then I read this bomb article, then found a funny picture, and then had a really good idea, guess what?

Homie got 5 texts in a row.

Unashamedly.

If he did something that compromised what I needed to feel safe, guess what?

He surely heard about it. (Kindly, because it IS what you say AND how you say it).

If I felt like interpretative dancing, singing at the top of my lungs, and then talking about the frustration I feel about the disproportionate allocation of resources in underserved communities…

He got a dance, song, and a thesis with numbered pages and footnotes.

Because all of that is me. And I don’t fit a bunch of rules.

It was better for him to know this early so if he didn’t want me in all my glory, he could bow out early and gracefully.

But he didn’t.
In fact, starting this way without pretense or expectation, without clouded judgement from lack of boundaries simply allowed us to be, grow, and later love.

We lived within boundaries and threw away the damned rules and it was the best thing we could have ever done.

And I’m betting it could be that way for you too.

There is magic in our musings, our authenticity, and our rule breaking,
Nicole