This post could be triggering for women who are finding it difficult to have children. I am praying you and your partner get the desires of your hearts.

The moment I’m having a conversation and someone says, “Whew, girl. I thought I was the only one thinking that!” I know I’ve found a blog post.

While the idea for this post has been on my heart since we bought our house, I hadn’t had one of those conversations and I was nervous that I really was the only person thinking about this.

But it turns out I’m not.

So today, we’re talking about how I am still not ready for kids and just how okay that is.

The Backstory

Although I’ve been married for about 3.5 years, I’ve never gotten many people asking me about children. I’m grateful to have a family both immediate and extended that just never pressured me about kids. After getting engaged, my mom asked if I was sure. Not because she didn’t love my now husband but because she never wanted me to feel like I had to do anything, especially if could impact the way I moved through the world to accomplish my goals.

But that changed around April of last year. Once we bought a house, people–nowhere near as close to us as our family– suddenly became interested in how long I had been married, and when I’d start filling up the bedrooms in my home.

And I’m over here like:

People started telling me it was “time to get a move on” or asking me if I already was pregnant.

And I kept thinking, “I just don’t want to be anyone’s mom yet.” But I felt like I couldn’t vocalize these thoughts because of how many people have no greater desire than to expand their family and they can’t.

People I know personally.

And so I kept my thoughts to myself, all the time thinking that there was somehow something wrong with me.

But I’ve come to this place where I realize that my desire to not have children in this moment doesn’t somehow keep my heart from breaking for the people who want children and it doesn’t make the my decision a bad one.

I’m content.

I don’t feel like I’m missing anything right now. Children surround my husband and me all the time. I love my students and I love giving them back.

After almost 4 years of being married, I am content with our family of three: me, Shamar, and Luna the pup. My home feels full, just the way it is. I love learning and growing with Shamar. And that’s not to say that that learning and growth can’t happen after kids, I just appreciate the fact that it is currently our only focus.

The moment we feel as if we want to expand our family, we will. But right now, I’m cool with giving all of my love to my dog and my forever boo.

I’m not ready to slow down at work.

I work a lot.

Sometimes, I like to paint this picture that I work a lot because I have to (which is low-key true because there just ain’t enough hours in the day) but it’s also because I like to.

I like to work a lot.

There are these genius minds out there who create beautiful paintings or choreograph incredible pieces for performances, I feel most creative when I am taking a part a curriculum or a novel and putting it back together in a way that helps kids understand it better.

I love my husband and I know he’ll be an incredible father. He will be supportive and kind and giving.

And the reality is, his professional life won’t change nearly as much as mine.

I don’t say that with anger, but with the dose of reality necessary not to trick myself into believing I am ready for something I am not.

Work is not my end all be all and I find joy in what I do. I am not yet ready to change the pace of my professional life.

I appreciate my time as my own.

Ya girl likes to sleep.

I like fantastic flight deals and spur of the moment girls trips. Impromptu date nights where I drink a little too much wine are the best.

Captain Crunch for dinner when I can’t bring myself to cook something delicious and nutritious is still a viable option in my home.

And I am in no way saying that you can’t have cereal nights and long weekends with kids (cereal nights might be even more fun), but if we’re honest we know that you don’t always have them in the same way (at least for a season).

Children come with more fullness of joy than I can even imagine. They also come with more planning and preparation than I am ready for.

When I asked other women about why they were not yet ready to have children, almost all of them named the independence of their life and their careers as their main reasons for waiting or not having kids period.

I want to be the best mom I can be.

Black Girl Musings was built from me almost having a nervous breakdown. From that difficult time, this beautiful thing was created and with it came the realization that I had some important work to do on myself in order to ensure that certain generational curses ended with me. I choose to wait because I continue to heal.

And it doesn’t mean I have to be perfect by the time someone calls me, “Mommy”. We know that’s not achievable. But I do know there’s some work that can still be done before I rock such an important title.

I also want to spend more time with my children than the children I work with. Part of the reason I am looking for new opportunities is because I want the flexibility to be the “classroom parent”, attend recitals, and organize bake sales.

I recently asked a really involved parent at my school how she does it all and she said working from home is a game change for her. I appreciated how she had found a way to do the work she love while simultaneously being there in the way she felt best for her children.

There are so many incredible parents who spend more time with other people’s kids more than they do with their own and that doesn’t make them any less incredible.

And that’s not what I want.

You should also just go hug everyone at your kids school.

The bottom line.

We have to stop thinking that the only “acceptable” reason for a woman of child bearing age to not be pregnant is because it is difficult for her to be.

There are women who want to have all the babies and spend their day at home loving on them and that’s amazing.

There are women who need to work in order to be the best version of themselves for their children and that’s amazing too.

There are also the bomb aunties who are perfectly content with loving other people’s children as if they were their own and you know we all need a good auntie.

We have to get rid of this idea that when a woman decides she’s ready to be a wife it also means she’s ready to be a mom. Readiness for one in no one way means readiness for the other.

So do you, girl. Whatever it is. However you need, because guess what?

It’s no one’s damned business.

There’s magic in our musings and our decisions,
Nicole