This past week, my husband and I have probably spent more time together than we normally do, and there were times when I’ve never felt farther away from him.

My husband is an extrovert to the greatest extreme. He thrives in social situations. I thought I was a social person, until I met him. For the last seven and a half years we’ve been together, I’ve learned one of the ways in which I can show my love for him is by attending the social event I really don’t want to go to.

But now, there aren’t any social events to attend.

There’s just time at home.

And for someone with an untrained eye, time together can be mistaken for quality time. Which can leave you feeling confused and frustrated when you start to feel emotionally unfulfilled. How can that be? You’re spending all kinds of time with your partner, spouse, children, roommate, puppy.

Well…let me not lie.
We always feel emotionally fulfilled after time with our dogs.

So today ladies and gents, we’ve got to talk about how we can use this time to build–because it’s work–intimacy during this strange time.

But before we get into it, let’s build some common understanding to rest our action steps upon.

We Know Why We’re Here

Most of us are exceptionally clear on the need for our current life changes. People are hurting financially, mentally, and physically around our world for a number of reasons.

Tragedy is bringing inequity to the forefront of our lives in such a way that it cannot be ignored.

And this is why maintaining our joy and compassion is a radical form of resistance during these times.

We can both meet the needs of others as well as ourselves.
We are able to weep for our neighbor and laugh with our family.
Joy and pain aren’t mutually exclusive. As complex human beings, we have the ability to simultaneously feel a range of emotions and we need to.

We need to let our fear stand alongside our dancing, not over take it.
Our sadness should spur action, not complacency.

So while we’re talking about how to use this time to build intimacy with those we are inhabiting space with right now, it doesn’t mean we are forgetting about the rest of the world.

Let’s Define Intimacy

When people think intimacy a number of things can come to mind.

But for the sake of this particular conversation, we’re going to use a slightly different definition.

I know, not as sexy as Chicken Strip, but one that connects a little more deeply, so we can get to the Janet playlist. I don’t know about anyone else, but my mind has be seduced before anything else can be.

Intimacy is work because friendship is work. And you’re playing yourself if you think that somehow just being up in the house with someone translates to deeper relationships.

In a time when I’m seeing awesome tips on how to care for ourselves and push our passion projects forward, what I’m not seeing is how to nurture relationships with the people who are inside the house with us.

We can’t just leave those relationships up to chance. At this moment, there is no question your marriage is important, but might not feel urgent. Especially when you may be trying to navigate how to keep all of your pets and kids alive, educated, fed, alive, and do your new work-from-home job or have to still clock in somewhere.

But sis, we know the marriage is the wellspring from where everything else flows from. If you and your partner can get this right, other things can find their place.

Not married but sharing your space with someone? All of these can be used to nurture a number of relationships.

Keep Dating

One of the hallmarks of a healthy marriage is a date night. While going to a movie theatre and out to dinner is a no go right now, creating that vibe is still very much possible.

Get in the kitchen and whip up a delicious meal together. Crack open a bottle of wine and snuggle on the couch.

Not into cooking? See if one of your favorite local spots is doing take out and go put some coins into a business you want to continue to support during this time. Even UberEats has a “leave at the door” option in order to maintain social distancing right now.

Throw a blanket on your living room floor and have a picnic. Get dressed up and light some candles. What matters is that you’re maintaining the ritual of quality time.

Deepen Your Partner Knowledge

Humans are complicated creatures who somehow make the mistake of believing that after saying, “I do,” they’ve learned everything there is to know about their partner.

Nah.

Use something like these Conversation Cards from The School of Life to learn things about your partner you haven’t yet explored.

I bought a set for us to try while in the house and before we knew it, dinner was over and we were still at the table trying to unpack every from how our parents impacted our partner choices and thinking through what was more important: good food or a a nice hotel on vacation.

At some point one of the cards ended up being the spring board for my husband sharing when he has felt the most loved in our relationship.

It was an awesome break from, “Do we have enough toilet paper?” and “Have you fed the dog dinner?”

Laugh with Bae

In times that like this, laughter can feel like betrayal. But I’d humbly submit that it’s the thing that will keep us lifted up enough to fight all that is happening in the world instead of each other.

On Saturday evening, we put on our nicest pajamas and made our way downstairs to #ClubQuarantine. DJ D-Nice was spinning feel good music and we were in all our glory. The bar was only serving the kind of stuff we liked–’cause we bought it–and we spend the night laughing and dancing and singing.

It was everything we didn’t know we needed. It lifted a tension in our house that wasn’t overt, but was present.

Laughter isn’t a novel idea. It’s just a reminder that like intimacy, it will require work to find during this time.

But it’s worth it to find.

Get Active Together

Leave all of your technology at home and let the sunshine touch your face. There is something about getting out and being active that will just put you in a better headspace.

Leaving all the distractions at home (or at least on Do Not Disturb) will allow for you to enjoy one another.

And not just because I say so, but because research does.

“People who work out even once a week or for as little as 10 minutes a day tend to be more cheerful than those who never exercise. And any type of exercise may be helpful.

Even a Little Exercise Might Make Us Happier, New York Times

So let’s get it, folks. In a world where urgency is at an all time high and priorities are shifting, make sure your most important relationships make the list.

There is magic in our musings, compassion, and relationships,
Nicole